


so far from who i want to be

by fromthehill_ (fromthehillbythelake)



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 13:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18993964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthehillbythelake/pseuds/fromthehill_
Summary: So far from being freeof the past that's haunting methe future I just can't touch.





	so far from who i want to be

**Author's Note:**

> i'm feeling emo about them since endgame, and i just had to get this out.  
> i've never written for them before because i don't feel talented enough to get them down lol, but i hope this bit of prose will do.
> 
> it makes me kinda sad i got into them so late - literally only within the month cause i was watching some winter soldier cast clips - and fell down the rabbit hole, reading all their comics and everything. but i'm glad there's so much content to go through at this stage. i would've been so blue-balled in 2016 i think ahha, although what's out there is fantastic.
> 
> anyways, they make me so sad and i love them.

...

 

 

darling, you ever hear a song so sad it breaks your heart?  
it made me remember past lives, old lives, fake lives, ones that seemed out of reach and lives just for fun.

 

 

you were there

always

like the moon.

 

 

is that something we said to each other?  
it feels familiar.

 

 

  
i have a million things i want to ask you. 

 

 

why blonde,  _solnyshka_?  
why did you dye your hair blonde?  
it’s the funniest thing in the world to me and doesn’t mean a thing  
but i want to know.

 

 

you were going to tell me, remember?  
_“nice gun you’ve got there, james.”_ a smile. 

 

 

there’s bits and pieces coming back to me. 

 

 

fractured; crackling and loud - phrases, sounds, smells, a particular shade of red…  
it’s not fair, is it?

 

 

…

 

 

they told me you jumped.

 

 

…

 

 

  
it isn’t fair of me to chase your ghost.  
to wish you were here so we could go dancing  
like i think we used to.  
but  _natalia_ ,  _tasha_ …how come i know exactly what you taste like?

 

 

  
is it too much to ask, to hope you know   
that i looked for you when i woke up?

 

 

  
_again._  
  
five years later.  
  
that i’d still been holding on?

 

 

when will we get to rest?  
when will it be our turn?

 

 

  
maybe next time. maybe the next life.

 

 

  
i’ll see you on the other side.

 

 

  
…

**Author's Note:**

> solnyshka (cолнышко) = sunshine. they've called each other this in the comics.
> 
> if you want to cry your eyes out, here's a good song to listen to - it was my reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKy8dq06zjk&loop=0


End file.
